Turkey Business

Quick notes from feathered friends.

In New York there is a lake by the sea. It’s something of a brim barrier between fresh and salty water. This lake was home to many species, but perhaps the one that sticked out the most was the curious Turkeys that lived in it. The story goes that as the coast developed, the Turkeys were reduces to this little lake for their home. At some point, some domesticated lineage escaped a farm and integrated into the wild flock - perhaps this was half a century ago - and henceforth the flock possessed the curious traits of both.

In my youth, I would often enjoy watching these incredibly dumb birds make do with what little they had left in man’s world. Despite seeing little parades of perhaps a dozen chicks every breeding season, the population always seemed to hover around the same two to three dozen. While I rarely saw anything happen to the chicks, it was clear very few made it to adulthood. Nonetheless, the turkey population sustained itself.

About a decade ago, however, this little turkey refuge - presumably the last stretch of land they had left along the coast - experienced traumatic change. A local hospital expanded into the lake, consuming it and forcing the turkeys to flee in terror from the construction.

Initially the turkeys simply crawled around the road and grass that orbited the lake when it was an unofficial park. It was all their little turkey minds knew of, and they couldn’t imagine expanding into the developed world of men. Nonetheless, either by fear or curiosity, a few of the turkeys began slowly testing the environment beyond the lake. Beyond the world they knew.

What followed was perhaps one of the most amusing local lore to happen in New York: Those brave few turkeys who went into the developed world of men, didn’t come back. They didn’t die. They thrived.

Beyond the imagination of little turkey brains, man’s world turned out to be incredibly full of food and nesting grounds. Endless lawns of suburbia, every fruit tree imaginable grown in those yards. Trees mighty and tall to hop into at night. For those brave few turkeys who trekked beyond the former lake, the world they feared and didn’t know turned out to be incredibly profitable.

This new Turkey internationale didn’t trek without new threats, of course. The metal things on wheels often struck them, and now their chicks faced new threats like cats and dogs. It was a dangerous new world to be sure, but the reward seemed worth the risk.

Slowly but surely, over the past 10 years, the turkeys spread throughout the region they could reach, and quickly their numbers exploded. What was initially a tiny minority of a few brave turkeys soon became the lionshare of their entire population. Now, there was only a small frightened minority left by the remains of the lake. The rest of the city was downright full of turkey flocks.

Adapting to their new environment did not go over smoothly, however. They didn’t exactly know how to use a tree. And often a branch would crack under their weight, with a large 30lbd bird falling onto a car, or a person. Quite the injury, and often fatal for the bird. Likewise, even though their chicks were clearly enjoying a higher survival rate to feed this population growth, one would notice their nest would often have half their eggs unhatched. Most eggs didn’t hatch, even if most hatchlings did survive to adulthood.

Myself, a curious scientific sort, took one of these eggs home and cracked it open to see why they were not hatching. I uncovered a mature fully developed chick, with a marble sized tumor on its head. You see, dear reader. Living amongst men has its dangers - especially our pollutants and toxic wastes. The massive mutagenic load claimed nearly half of their eggs, before their chicks ever had the chance to try. But once a chick could pick what food it ate, it seemed to choose wisely.

Nonetheless, the Turkey population continued to grow, until it became a downright menace to man.

Discussions on what to do with the Turkey invasion have come and gone, but stalled. People don’t seem to be able to bring themselves to mass-slaughter the birds - and before you ask, the number of eager dads finding a free Thanksgiving dinner for their families has been rare. Not enough to give their population a dent.

And so, the outer boroughs of New York City are now Turkeyland, and they are here to stay.

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Throughout history, an insular people have often been pushed out of their homelands from disaster or curiosity, and wound up vastly altering the world for doing so. For instance, Dear Reader, were you aware that all the thousands of Goths that came to conquer and rule the Roman Empire in the 500s AD all originate from just one, tiny, island in Scandinavia called Gotland?

The people of Gotland lived in isolation in the furthest corners of civilization for eons. They were a simple folk, living off farm and fishing. They were also exceptionally adept at trading, and raiding. In maps that plot out the distribution of Roman coin hoards, it turns out that Gotland is within the top 10 or so most frequent discoveries, possessing more Roman coins than all of Spain, Greece, or anywhere in North Africa or the very wealthy Near East. This tiny island well beyond the Rhine in the heart of uncivilized Northern Europe was one of the wealthiest centers of trade in all of Europe!

The men who would go on to “conquer” the Roman Empire weren’t starving barbarians at the gates. They were some of the wealthiest men of Europe off on an adventure to find out why the trade had dried up. They were investigating the status of their investments.

When the Goths decided the declining Roman Empire needed their direct intervention, they had a very big advantage. In fact, many Insular peoples in history have held advantage over vast domains of diverse peoples: Namely insular people tend to have a sense of brotherhood. Every Gothic warlord knew the other Gothic warlord. He knew his own family history from Gotland, and he knew their family history back there too. They spoke the same languages, worshipped the same gods, and held fast to the same ideologies and morals. Such that the ease with which one warlord could call to his other warlords for help was far more efficient than the Roman bureaucracy. In a few short days a horseman-messenger could rally 200,000 Gothic warriors in what would take the Romans months to deliberate on. One of the bemusing aspects of surviving letters from the Goths is this brother’s keeper mindset. A kind of call to be better when one is not best:

We have decided that the camp near you shall at once be fortified. It is expedient to execute works of this kind in peace rather than in war. The true meaning of expeditio shows that the leader of a military expedition should have an unencumbered mind. Do you therefore second our efforts by building good private houses, in which you will be sheltered, while the enemy (whenever he comes) will be in the worst possible quarters, and exposed to all the severity of the weather

Here one sees a certain elder-younger brotherly relationship to a given task. The King, in the role of an elder brother, is going to fortify his friend’s camp, so the friend, in the role of the younger brother, should join in the effort and not be a mere receiver. Rather, he should spend his time upgrading his quarters to increase the elder brother’s blessings. There are many letters like this in which one Goth starts a thing, and calls his fellow Goth to join in the act and bless them both. Another example:

To the Goths a hint of war rather than persuasion to the strife is needed, since a warlike race such as ours delights to prove its courage. In truth, he shuns no labour who hungers for the renown of valour. Therefore with the help of God, whose blessing alone brings prosperity, we design to send our army to the Gauls for the common benefit of all, that you may have an opportunity of promotion, and we the power of testing your merits; for in time of peace the courage which we admire lies hidden, and when men have no chance of showing what is in them, their relative merits are concealed. We have therefore given our Sajo, Nandius, instructions to warn you that, on the eighth day before the kalends of next July, you move forward to the campaign in the name of God, sufficiently equipped, according to your old custom, with horses, arms, and every requisite for war. Thus will ye at the same time show that the old valour of your sires yet dwells in your hearts, and also successfully perform[Pg 158] your King's command. Bring forth your young men for the discipline of Mars. Let them see you do deeds which they may love to tell of to their children. For an art not learned in youth is an art missing in our riper years. The very hawk, whose food is plunder, thrusts her still weak and tender young ones out of the nest, that they may not become accustomed to soft repose. She strikes the lingerers with her wings; she forces her callow young to fly, that they may prove to be such in the future as her maternal fondness can be proud of. Do you therefore, lofty by nature, and stimulated yet more by the love of fame, study to leave such sons behind you as your fathers have left in leaving you.

You will often find this style of writing among the Goths.

It is no wonder, then, why the Goths were able to go from ruling a single island to ruling an entire continent: They sustained that common comradery that was first birthed on their little island. They knew, to rule so vast a domain, that mindset had to be maintained from their earliest years.

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Like the turkeys at the start of this essay, in time the Goth Internatonale vastly outnumbered the Goth Insular. This breakaway sect came to dominate the entirety of the given environment. Though most Goths would die young in war, plague, or incident, those that survive often end up vastly better off than those that stayed behind.

It is, perhaps, a choice on the mind of many young Americans today. Looking at the state of the continent and calculating if their lives would improve trying to make something of their name elsewhere. If you stay, you will not suffer much so long you obey. If you answer the call of adventure you will probably die, but there’s a decent chance you could be the next Lord Miles or Captain Cook. The choice is yours.

It is probably worth reflecting on this: God once called mankind to fill the earth and subdue it. Of the 70 or 72 named descendants of Noah, only one obeyed willingly: Javan son of Japheth, upon hearing this call from God, fashioned for himself and his sons a great and mighty sailboat and went out into the world. In reward for his obedience, Javan’s offspring were greatly blessed, going on to found the Greek city states, and establishing the foundations of western civilization - Javan, spelled originally “Yawan”, is the name in Hebrew for the Ionians, and Achaeans, spelled originally Ahiyawan, quite literally translates to “Brothers of Yawan”.

There was also Canaan son of Ham, who was “scattered” - which presumably means he was forced to flee. Not many blessings came to his offspring at the hands of Israel’s conquests of their homeland. Proving that it is not enough to be forced to obey God. One must be willingly obedient, as Javan was.